I recently moved to Los Angeles in order to find myself, because I was extremely lost. I was stuck in a rut that I had no idea how to free myself from. My mental state was degrading quickly, and I lost a lot of the things that gave me drive. Now, I am putting effort into personal focus and trying to rediscover who I am. The problem is, I don’t know how to do it. How does one mentally and physically reinvent themselves when everything that made them who they are is 1200 miles away?
Keeping Personal Focus When Things Look Grim
It’s difficult to stay on task at times. Here I am, in an alien city without anything around that makes me who I am. Everything I have right now fits into a carry-on and a laptop bag. And an old laptop it is.
Maybe that is the point, though. Perhaps it’s the things in my life that had contributed to so much chaos. I don’t think that everything was causing me pain, however. For example, I miss my daughters more than anything right now. And, my best friend is nearly half of the country away.
So, what exactly am I doing in Los Angeles that was any different than when I was in Colorado? Since I’ve only been here for about three days, that’s a difficult question to answer. However, I do have a beginning of a plan. I didn’t just pack up and run away from my problems. I think of this as more of a reprieve so I can be a better person. Here are my tentative ideas for maintaining personal focus.
One of my biggest issues was not having any real structure in my life. I was a work at home father who really didn’t go anywhere. In fact, it got to the point where I stopped playing my favorite video games. All of the things I love to do was put on hold for some reason.
Being able to work throughout the day is kind of nice. But I guess I miss having set hours and sticking to schedules. I don’t want to be one of those people who maintain a strict itinerary throughout the day. But I would like to be able to know when I can relax and how I can get more done. Because what I was doing before sure as hell wasn’t working.
So now, I am focusing on specific work schedules such as 9:00am to 3:30pm. If I can keep this schedule, I would make more money than I ever have. I know it’s possible. I just need to maintain my focus to get it done. Which is one of the reasons I am here in the first place.
Another one of my biggest issues is not being self-sufficient. For the longest time, I had the mentality that there was always going to be someone around who will bail me out. If I didn’t have enough money for the water bill, there was always a plan B from someone.
Although it’s nice to be able to rely on friends and family for certain things, I feel that I was taking advantage of the situation. I didn’t have to do what was necessary to survive because someone would make sure it was all paid for. As a result, I lost a lot of respect for myself. My responsibilities were greatly diminished and I was content with letting everyone else front the bill.
This move to Los Angeles forces me to become self-sufficient. I have no one here I can fall back on for support, which means I need to succeed or fail. There is no middle ground. I know, it may sound like a drastic step for some. However, I do know what I used to be capable of and I want to find that person again.
Understanding Who I Am
Having all this time to myself gives me a way to see just who I am while I am alone. While I do have a few people here who keep me occupied at various times of the day, I still spend a great deal of time by myself. One thing I realized is that I get bored pretty quickly.
But is it really boredom? I have plenty of things I can be doing that I actually enjoy. Perhaps I am spending too much time wallowing in self-pity to actually put effort into doing the things I like. Which is a strong possibility, actually. I need to get over myself and start putting my life back into perspective.
I guess I really need to sit back and focus on what would make me happy. What do I want out of life? What do I want to do when I grow up? To be honest, I haven’t a clue. But I know what I don’t want to be. Someone who is fine with letting other people take care of the things I should be doing.
Getting Myself Back Into Mental and Physical Shape
Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to fix my mental state as of yet. But the physical part can be easy to accomplish. I just need to prevent myself from getting too frustrated, especially since it’s only been three days. I still have a long way to go, but I have plenty of time to do it.
One thing I can say about spending so much time alone is that you can analyze a lot of your life in a single day. As long as I can keep from being sad about what I’ve lost, I can put effort into personal focus regarding what I could gain.
And it’s not like I’ve lost everything forever. No one knows what the future will bring. The best that I can hope for is to become a better person and find that individual I lost so long ago.
Sweeping Depression Aside for Personal Focus
This morning, I came across one of the most aromatic locations in Los Angeles. It was raining all day yesterday, and the flowers here were simply amazing. The scent caught my nose as I was walking by and for the first time in a long time, I was lost in happiness. It’s amazing what a simple scent can do for your mental state.
Those are the kinds of things I need to put some personal focus on. The simple things that can give you pleasure. Instead of wallowing in the depression of feeling like a failure, I need to relish in the things that make life worth living. This isn’t the end of my life. It’s but another chapter in the story of what makes me who I am.