Review: Choking Down Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm

Last Updated on August 26, 2021 by Michael Brockbank

In my quest to find decent keto-friendly alternatives to the foods I love, I came across one that is on another level. And I don’t mean in a good way. Instead of mashed potatoes, I decided to try Palmini Hearts of Palm. It was definitely an alternative.

That’s one of the only positive things I can say about the product. It’s one of those products that would be better suited for a challenge on Tik Tok.

Let’s see if those kids who are brave enough to eat Tide Pods can handle the ruthlessness that is Palmini!

Yes, it’s that bad.

What is Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm?

Hearts of Palm is a product harvested from the inner core of particular palm trees, such as coconut. It can be used in a wide assortment of products while offering a decent nutritional value, especially for those on keto and other diet plans.

The “mashed” element is in reference to grinding up the palm hearts in order to simulate mashed potatoes. The idea is to deliver a healthier alternative to potatoes while reducing carb and starch content.

In this version, Palmini Mashed hearts of palm provide:

  • 30 Calories per serving
  • 90mg of Sodium
  • 4g of Carbohydrates, two of which are dietary fiber
  • 2g of Protein

So, it’s a great alternative for those wanting more out of their meal. At least from a nutritional perspective. But don’t let that fool you, the nightmare is only beginning.

What Can You Expect Out of Mashed Palmini?

Usually, when I review a product, it’s kind of hard to figure out where to begin. But in this case, it’s a no-brainer. The hardest part was coming up with at least seven points to make about the item.

But, I think I managed to put together something fairly comprehensive.

The Taste is Ungodly

The overall taste of the Palmini Mashed hearts of palm is definitely an acquired one. And I mean, you’d have to REALLY want to get this to work with any recipe you have.

It’s going to take some effort.

It was among the most rancid things I could ever put in my mouth. And this is coming from someone who loves Taco Bell and Subway!

Not only did Sam follow the directions and spruce it up with seasoning and butter, but I had to dump another handful of garlic salt just to choke it down. If all diet foods tasted this bad, I’d reserve myself to being a fat ass and calling it a day.

Sure, it only has 90mg of sodium. But I had to dump so much salt that I probably surpassed the FDA-approved intake for the week.

Seriously, I cannot stress how bad this was. I’ve chewed on pennies with more of an appealing flavor.

I’d imagine pennies would have a better taste after being picked up in the middle of a parking lot. During the summer. After falling out of a homeless man’s pocket.

Mashed Potato-ish Texture

Potatoes Ish

One thing I’d like to bring up is that the product did have somewhat of a “potato” texture. This was a bit of a worry for me because I didn’t want it to feel more like swallowing a spoonful of slime.

Instead, the texture was more like baby food, or perhaps some runny Cream of Wheat. Only without the taste.

As for creamy, as you’d see on the package, absolutely not. And Sam even followed the directions to spruce it up as such.

Mashed Palmini is Wicked Quick to Prepare

A positive thing I can think about mashed Palmini is that it is, indeed, very quick to prepare. Essentially, you pour it out of the bag, add the butter, salt and pepper to taste (lol), and nuke it for one minute.

If anyone has prepared mashed potatoes before, you’ll agree that it’s a bit of a convoluted process in comparison. Still, I don’t know if convenience should supersede taste in this instance.

Gluten and Sugar Free

Something else that may be of interest is the fact that this product is gluten and sugar free. So, it fits perfectly within the confines of most mainstream diet plans. That is as long as you don’t mind eating sub-par tasting mash.

This means that people who have issues with gluten can try out the Palmini mashed potatoes without worry.

Though, I think I would rather take my chances with instant potatoes from Idahoan.

Stays True to the Keto Diet

Palmini Mashed Keto Diet

If you’re a die-hard, keto-diet goer, then this product is right up your alley. With very few carbs, half of which are net carbs, it stays within the confines of the keto diet.

I mean, you’d have to be a real fan of keto, though. Seriously, I rank the flavor right up there with spoiled tuna fish, which I had the misfortune of eating once.

In any case, a lot of keto lovers seem to rate the product pretty high on Amazon, so there is that.

Expensive per Serving

Perhaps one of the most glaring issues I have with Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm, aside from the taste, is the price. Per serving, it comes down to around $2.50. When you combine it with other foods, you’re paying quite a bit per meal.

Personally, I try to keep my lunch and dinners to around the $2 total mark. This is something I can easily do by shopping from Trader Joe’s and serving logical portion sizes.

In reality, when making a meal with Palmini, you’ll pay close to those fancy freezer meals at the store…but without the amazing tastes.

Long Shelf Life?

Long Shelf Life

On a positive note, the product does have quite a long shelf life compared to a variety of other foods. According to the label, we’re talking about a year and a half.

Trust me, I checked the instant I tasted the mash. I was hoping we got a bad batch.

I don’t know if I’d add this to a bugout bag, though. You’d be better off making a soup out of tree leaves and grasshoppers.

Where Can You Find this Product?

I haven’t really seen the mashed Palmini products at stores like Walmart or Target. Though, I haven’t really been looking hard for it. However, they are plentiful on Amazon.

So, if you’d like to try it for yourself or if you don’t believe me when I say the taste is rancid, you can always pick one up for yourself.

Try the Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm

I’m sure you can also find the product in a variety of health food stores, or probably shops that focus on keto and other dietary items.

Personally, I’m not going to bother to actively look.

Would I Ever Use Palmini Mashed “Potatoes” Again?

Obviously, there is no way in hell I’m going to choke down this poor attempt at potatoes ever again. Well, outside of this last bag that Sam bought. She wants to try one last attempt to make it tolerable.

And I hate wasting food, even if it tastes like the inner workings of a sewage plant. I rarely throw any food in the trash. Unfortunately, it’s part of why I weigh so much.

If it succeeds, I’ll update this review. But, I’m not really holding my breath on this one.

Sure, it’s perfect from a nutritional standpoint for the keto diet. But at what cost? There are so many other better products out there. For example, I kind of liked the mashed cauliflower we had recently with grilled pork chops.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a few decent things made from hearts of palm. This, unfortunately, was not one of them. There are some things that you just can’t do with the inner workings of a tree.

Mashed potatoes are apparently among them.

Still Looking for an Alternative to Potatoes

I’m a fan of potatoes. But since I’m trying to stick with as close to a keto diet as I can, potatoes are just not on the list. Just like looking for a healthy ice cream, my search for decent potatoes continues.

Though, as I said earlier, the cauliflower version wasn’t too bad. I’ll do a review on those in the near future.

If you know of a way to make Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm taste good, please, let me know in the comments. I’m willing to try anything, within reason.

Maybe I’ll even make a YouTube video about it. People like gross-out videos, right?

I wonder if sprucing up the mash with scotch would help…

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Palmini Mashed Hearts of Palm

0.00
5.5

Keto Factor

9.0/10

Price Value

4.0/10

Taste Quality

0.1/10

Calories Per Serving

9.0/10

Pros

  • Keto-friendly
  • Gluten and sugar free
  • Easy to prepare

Cons

  • Tastes Horrid
  • Expensive per serving
  • Tastes Horrid
  • Not very creamy
  • Did I mention it tastes horrid?

Michael Brockbank

Since 2015, Michael has put in the effort to lose more than 80 pounds by gamifying fitness and eating proper portion sizes. He conducts extensive research into various health and fitness products to provide the best answers possible according to his own experience and knowledge.

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